


Entropy

by Pearson



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Road Trips
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-24
Packaged: 2020-08-13 07:57:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20170840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pearson/pseuds/Pearson
Summary: It's been two years, and Tzuyu still isn't ready to let go.A road trip with Dahyun, retracing all their favorite memories, could either break her entirely or help her get closure.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I have a big nahyo oneshot that I'm working on but chaeyu can never let me breath so here's yet another fic for them. This one is a lot angstier than my usual fluffy oneshots but I hope you enjoy!

The car was quiet as they drove along the motorway. Dahyun’s eyes were focused on the road, and Tzuyu stared out the window, watching the endless blue sprawl of ocean as they drew nearer and nearer Ganghwado Island.

She wondered if she should be used to it by now, the emptiness that was always felt when sitting in this car. Then again, she rarely left the city nowadays. This was her first long drive in Dahyun’s car since…

Since the last time they were here.

Everything was different now. Tzuyu shouldn’t be sitting in the front seat next to Dahyun. Chaeyoung always called shotgun, leaving Tzuyu to sit happily in the back where she’d fall asleep within ten minutes. Chaeyoung was the one who would flick between radio channels, always complaining about the ads taking up so much time. She was the one who’d chatter away to Dahyun about her day, her week, a funny story she remembered from years ago.

She was the one who organised these holidays in the first place.

But now she was gone, and Dahyun was stuck with Tzuyu’s miserable silent company. Tzuyu knew the other girl didn’t mind the quiet, one of the reasons they got on so well was that they could be comfortable together without the need to talk and entertain each other. But it felt wrong, travelling to Ganghwado like this.

Then again, nothing had felt right for two years now.

Three years together, two years without. She had the rest of her life to tip those scales, and the thought alone was so massively depressing that she still couldn’t really comprehend it. She drummed her fingers idly against the dashboard, then rolled down the window, hoping that the noise of the wind could distract her from her thoughts.

Dahyun didn’t seem to mind as the wind whipped her hair around her head. Maybe she needed the distraction as well, or maybe she was too focused on the road to care.

Tzuyu found herself wondering again why she’d agreed to do this. She could think back and remember the exact thought process, how Dahyun had rang her explaining that she needed to get away for the anniversary, and how she wanted to go on a trip to all their favourite place on the island. A private way to honour and mourn Chaeyoung, but still while trying to have fun, like she would have wanted. Tzuyu remembered thinking it sounded like absolute hell, but still better than spending another day in this apartment, cold and unfamiliar despite a year and a half of living alone in it.

She had enough money to afford the trip, considering how much she’d thrown herself into work after what happened. Really, there didn’t seem to be any reason not to go, and that was how Tzuyu navigated her life these days. She’d heard Marie Kondo talking about getting rid of anything that didn’t spark joy, but for Tzuyu it was a struggle to find anything that _did_. Every decision was about choosing the least painful of two bad options, and this trip seemed to be the better choice than being alone with her thoughts.

Now, she was seriously reconsidering her decision-making skills. She’d thought that going away like this would be a distraction, but all it did was make the lack of Chaeyoung’s presence more potent. It was everywhere, from the small doodle scratched into the glove compartment to the keychain Chaeyoung had given Dahyun when they were children after she twisted her ankle while climbing a tree.

Half of the memories this car triggered were just stories from before Tzuyu had even known them, and that added to the bitterness threatening to overwhelm her. Dahyun had twelve years of memories of her friendship with Chaeyoung, while Tzuyu had three as friends and three as girlfriends. The same thoughts ate away at her: Why hadn’t she confessed sooner? Why hadn’t she gone to the same elementary school as them? Why had she wasted so much time not realising how head over heels in love she was, and then being scared of what would happen if she acted on those feelings? Why hadn’t she spent every moment she had with her girlfriend when Chaeyoung’s time on this earth was limited to _eighteen years_?

It wasn’t fair. It just wasn’t _fair_. The rage she felt at herself and at the universe made her want to scream, and hit the dashboard, and maybe cry, if she had any tears left.

Two years of crying left her feeling sick and weary. She wanted to let go, just enough to stop her heart from aching every day, but even thinking that felt like a betrayal.

She rolled up the window and reached down to switch on the radio. Dahyun glanced over at her as she did it, but didn’t comment.

_All I Want _by Kodaline started playing, and Tzuyu almost laughed. The universe _really _fucking hated her, it seemed.

Dahyun started making small noises, and Tzuyu whirled to face her, alarmed. If Dahyun started crying, she didn’t know what she would do. The other girl was shaking, her head almost pressed against the steering wheel.

It took a few seconds for Tzuyu to realise that Dahyun was laughing. Perhaps that should have made her angry, but she understood well the exhausted laughter Dahyun let out. When you’ve looped through all the stages of grief bar one, more times than you can count without ever coming to the end, sometimes all that was left to do was laugh at your miserable fate.

“Chaeyoung would have loved this.” It was the first thing Dahyun had said in over forty minutes. “We used to sing along dramatically to every sad song even when we had nothing to be sad about.”

Tzuyu didn’t know how to respond to that. But then the chorus hit and Dahyun started belting, still laughing between every breath. Tzuyu found herself singing along, at first just to keep things from getting too awkward, but it was impossible not to get really into it while sitting next to Dahyun.

They sang the second chorus together, swaying from side to side. Tzuyu laughed too, the smile on her face feeling alien after all this time.

For three minutes, they could almost pretend things were fine. Just a normal road trip, filled with chaos and laughter and wavering singing voices that spent half the song in the wrong key. But the reality was still there in the back of their minds, that this time they weren’t singing while pretending to be sad.

This time they had someone to sing to.

Once the song ended and the radio went into advertisements, the car grew quiet again. Tzuyu wondered if she should break the silence. Maybe this was the moment they were supposed to talk about how much they loved Chaeyoung, and how much they missed her.

She didn’t feel like talking. Instead she lay back, closing her eyes. Dahyun would understand.

Dahyun always understood.

Tzuyu clasped her hands together, reclining back in the seat. Her fingers brushed over the gold band on her right ring finger, and a surprise twinge of pain hit her heart. That reminder still always hurt, no matter how familiar and dull the other ones got. She wondered if it was considered normal to still wear it after two years, but then she realised that she didn’t care.

It wasn’t long before she fell asleep, listening to the soothing sound of Dahyun’s soft singing.

Her hands slowly fell down to her sides, gold engagement ring dangling above the floor of the car.

* * *

**2 years ago**

“Baby wake up.”

Tzuyu groaned, turning so that she was lying face down in the bed. She felt Chaeyoung shift next to her, brushing Tzuyu’s hair out of the way and wiggling closer.

“Happy three-year anniversary.” she whispered.

“Mprhrg.” Tzuyu replied gracefully, her face full of pillow.

“I have to head out to work, but when I get back tonight, I promise you we’re going to do it all.” Tzuyu whined as she felt the weight on the bed shift. “Dinner in a five-star restaurant with fancy wine, a serenade on the street just to see you blush, I’ve got big plans for you Chou Tzuyu.”

Tzuyu finally rolled over and opened her eyes, smiling at the sight that greeted her. Chaeyoung, blonde hair glowing in the bright morning light, her mole and dimple highlighted as she grinned down at her girlfriend, her eyes shining, reflecting all the love Tzuyu felt for her right back.

“Stay with me.” She couldn’t resist saying. “Call in sick, and just stay in bed with me until tonight.”

“We both know my boss is a bastard who will see right through that.” Tzuyu pouted as Chaeyoung stood up, even as she enjoyed the view. “Sadly until Dubchaeng starts getting more gigs, I’m stuck working nine to five. But you should enjoy your day off.”

She leant down to kiss Tzuyu, and Tzuyu hugged her greedily, ignoring Chaeyoung’s giggly cries of protest as she pulled her back down into the bed.

“You can always quit.” She mumbled into Chaeyoung’s cheek. “Just focus on your passions, your art and your music. I can keep us afloat until you blow up and become my famous celebrity girlfriend.”

“And then you’ll quit your job and be my trophy wife?” Chaeyoung laughed. “I see the kind of schemer you are. I can’t believe I fell in love with a gold digger.”

“A gold digger who thinks five steps ahead.” Tzuyu corrected with a smirk. “Now stay with me. I’ll even let you doodle on my back as much as you want.”

She could see how tempted Chaeyoung was, the way she bit her lip and ran her fingers down Tzuyu’s back. Tzuyu shivered, her smile growing as Chaeyoung gently traced spirals into her skin.

She whined louder when Chaeyoung pulled away, but Chaeyoung only laughed.

“I’m sorry Tzu, these kids need me.”

“There are other youth counsellors around.” Tzuyu grumbled. “I need you more than they do, and I’m sick of sharing.”

“Well you are the biggest baby I know.” Chaeyoung smirked. “But I promise I’ll make it up to you when I get back.”

“You better!” Tzuyu called, as Chaeyoung left the bedroom to get breakfast.

Half an hour later she kissed Tzuyu goodbye, laughing as she denied all of Tzuyu’s attempts to get her back into bed. Tzuyu pouted as she left, but there was a warm glow in her chest from the casual “I love you!” Chaeyoung threw out as she closed the front door.

Sometimes, Tzuyu wondered how she ever got so lucky. A loving family, caring friends, a well-paying job and a girlfriend she was in love with. A girlfriend who would hopefully be more than that after tonight.

Even though Chaeyoung was already on her way to work, Tzuyu still felt nervous as she reached for the drawer of her bedside table. Hidden under four books was a small ring box, and Tzuyu gulped as she popped it open.

Chaeyoung had been the one who initiated the first kiss, the one who asked Tzuyu to be her girlfriend, and the first one to say I love you. Tonight, Tzuyu was hoping to prove that she could be just as brave.

She spent all morning lazing around, watching Netflix, texting Dahyun and their friends who blew up her phone with well wishes, and trying to resist the temptation to text Chaeyoung. The ring box felt like it was burning a hole in her pocket, and none of the distractions could stop her mind from bouncing back to it, going over all the ways she could ask. Would Chaeyoung like it better if she proposed in the middle of dinner? Or later out on the streets? Or maybe at home, just the two of them?

She never got the chance to find out. One phone call turned all Tzuyu’s plans for the night to dust, and she spent their third anniversary in a hospital, listening to the doctors explain to her about sudden brain hemorrhages.

Five days later, Tzuyu slipped the ring into Chaeyoung’s coffin, and watched with red, numb eyes as they lowered it into the ground.


	2. Mahogany Coffee

**8 years ago**

Chaeyoung hummed happily to the song on the radio, holding Tzuyu’s hand as they sat together in the backseat. Dahyun’s mom was the one driving them, and Dahyun kept her company up front, although she spent most of the drive twisted around so she could talk to her friends.

It was Tzuyu’s first time coming to Ganghwado Island. She’d only known Dahyun and Chaeyoung for a year, so the last thing Tzuyu expected was for them to invite her along to their special vacation. Dahyun’s mother was nothing but welcoming, but Tzuyu still couldn’t shake the feeling that she was intruding on something.

Chaeyoung jerked her hand suddenly, and Tzuyu laughed at her exaggerated facial expressions as she sang along. Dahyun was practically bouncing in the front seat, so loud and distracting that her mother reached over to push her down.

Tzuyu wasn’t normally the type to let go like that, especially in a situation she wasn’t completely comfortable in. But there was something infectious about the energy Chaeyoung carried, that when Tzuyu joined in with the loud garbled singing it felt like the easiest most natural thing in the world.

When the station switched back to the radio hosts, Dahyun and Chaeyoung kept singing, going back to the start of the song at the exact same time. Tzuyu laughed loudly at that, clapping her hands together at Mrs Kim’s fond yet exasperated eyeroll.

“Thank god we’re hitting the café first.” she deadpanned. “I’m going to need plenty of caffeine and sugar to deal with you three.”

_You three. _It hit Tzuyu out of nowhere, filling her with a happiness she hadn’t realised was missing. The way no one questioned it, despite her being nowhere near as loud as the hyperactive duo, it was that final link she’d needed after a year of tentatively forging this friendship between the three of them. It wasn’t Dubchaeng and Tzuyu anymore. It was…

“Alright School Meal Club, as your official unofficial leader let me go over the rules.” Dahyun put on a false stern tone. “Three coffees minimum or we’ll be up all night and wreck my mom’s head. As many pastries as you want but mom’s only paying for one each, the rest comes out of your own pocket money. Clean up after yourselves and if you eat so much you get carsick that’s too bad; we’re not slowing down. Any further questions?”

Chaeyoung shook her head, even though Dahyun’s speech was clearly directed at Tzuyu. She was the one who’d never been here before, although with the way her friends hyped up their food it almost felt like she’d already tasted it.

The car finally pulled to a stop, thankfully before Dahyun and Chaeyoung could begin their third rendition of Rolling in the Deep. The kids scrambled out of the car eagerly, Chaeyoung’s hand still in Tzuyu’s, pulling her towards the café labelled _Mahogany Coffee._

“Dibs on the rainbow cake!” Dahyun yelled.

“I call strawberry toppings!” Chaeyoung cried back, both of them ignoring the perturbed looks from customers eating outside.

Tzuyu glanced back at Mrs Kim, nervous about the noise. The older woman just smiled sympathetically and gave Tzuyu a wink, as if to say _Those two messers, eh?_

Tzuyu smiled back, and then she was pulled forward again as Chaeyoung dragged her into the shop.

The glorious smell of multiple types of bread hit Tzuyu as soon as she walked in. She tried to hide the big grin on her face, but Chaeyoung was already looking at her, and she grinned back when she saw the excitement in Tzuyu’s eyes.

“I’ve never known anyone who loves bread as much as you.”

“It’s delicious!” Tzuyu protested. “And I won’t defend myself to the girl who eats strawberries on top of cake but not as a frosting.”

“Strawberry flavouring sucks.” Chaeyoung shrugged, bending down to grab plates for the three of them while Dahyun got a tray. “It’s all the processing they do- completely ruins it. The more organic the strawberries are the better.”

“Ok hippie.” Dahyun rolled her eyes. “Twelve going on thirty, I swear.”

“That doesn’t even rhyme it’s supposed to be thirteen going on thirty.”

“Not my fault you started middle school early, shrimp.”

“You’re two inches taller than her Dahyun.” Tzuyu pointed out, well used to their bickering.

“Exactly!” Dahyun smirked triumphantly as Chaeyoung glared. “Those two inches make all the difference.”

They lined up at the counter to order their drinks and pay, Chaeyoung and Dahyun still debating who was shorter. The old woman who took their orders had a kind smile, and she seemed fondly used to the squabbling duo.

“Back here again I see.” The woman grinned at Dahyun, and Tzuyu looked away, squeezing Chaeyoung’s hand without meaning too. “You’ve grown a little taller, haven’t you Dahyun?”

“Hah!” Dahyun’s cheer was loud enough to make everyone else in the queue jump, but while Tzuyu shrank back Chaeyoung just grinned unrepentantly. “I told you so Chaeyoung! Thank you, Mrs Jeon, you’re so wise as always.”

“Who’s this new face you’ve brought along?” Now that she was actually being addressed, Tzuyu finally stepped out from behind Chaeyoung and smiled politely at Mrs Jeon. “She’s got excellent taste in pastries.”

“This is Tzuyu.” Dahyun’s beaming smile somehow got even wider. “She’s a big bread lover, so obviously I had to bring her to the best bakery in town.”

“Nice to meet you.” Mrs Jeon’s smile was warm, and combined with the smell of coffee and pastries it put Tzuyu’s shy heart at ease. “I was wondering if these two were going to bring a cute middle school boyfriend up here this year. Should have known they’d bring a pretty girl instead.”

Dahyun laughed loudly at that, but Tzuyu felt something in her stomach twist. She didn’t understand why such a harmless joke made her nervous, but she didn’t have time to ponder it because Chaeyoung suddenly squeezed her hand tightly. Tzuyu glanced over, surprised at the blank expression on her friend’s face.

Dahyun’s mother started discussing the drive up with Mrs Jeon, leaving the three girls to grab their drinks and find a table. No one mentioned the joke, and Tzuyu began to wonder if she’d imagined Chaeyoung’s reaction. Maybe she’d just projected her own nervousness onto her friend.

When they sat down, she and Dahyun reached for the cutlery at the exact same time, and all three of them had a moment where they just laughed at the telepathy between them. Tzuyu quickly forgot about that strange moment with the store owner, instead laughing at Chaeyoung’s reactions to the different kind of cakes she tasted.

She was so cute. Tzuyu was so happy they were friends, she loved being able to see Chaeyoung goof around like this. Dahyun too, the way she drank her coffee made both girls laugh because of the foam moustache it left behind.

“Wait, let me try something.” Chaeyoung took a delicate sip from her cup, leaving a small amount of foam covering her lips.

She blew a kiss towards Dahyun, and Dahyun squealed and clapped delightedly. Tzuyu joined in the applause a few seconds later, too surprised to react immediately. Chaeyoung had a really good… face. She knew how to pose and express herself like a model, how had Tzuyu not realised that sooner? Her friends were so talented.

Her cheeks were turning red for some reason, so Tzuyu hid her embarrassment by taking a huge gulp of foamy coffee. The foam was too heavy to stick fully to her lips, instead dribbling down her chin as she blew a kiss. Both her friends burst into laughter at the sight, and Tzuyu felt like she was glowing as they rained compliments down on her.

“Tzuyu you’re so cute!”

“So funny!”

“Do it again! Do it again!”

Tzuyu took a bite of her chocolate croissant, all fears of this holiday being a mistake long forgotten.

These were her friends, _real_ friends. It was the little things, like the way Dahyun cut Tzuyu’s cake for her or the way Chaeyoung stole strawberries off her plate, that really cemented that fact in her mind. They’d only known each other a year, but Tzuyu could tell that they would be like her very closest friends from back in Taiwan, the kind she’d stay in touch with no matter what.

She didn’t know why it had taken her so long to realise this. Epiphanies didn’t usually happen when you were trying to help someone cut a massive sticky chocolate cake, but Tzuyu was feeling much less anxious now so she just rolled with it.

“Mrs Jeon was so silly back there asking us about boyfriends.” Dahyun chuckled. “She doesn’t know about poor Gim Seunghyun.”

Chaeyoung threw back her head and laughed, while Tzuyu just smiled faintly, already familiar with the story.

“Do you think he’s still crying about you turning him down? He almost ruined graduation because he wouldn’t stop with those sad eyes.”

“I know! It’s like thank you for confessing but we’re graduating elementary school and probably won’t ever see each other again, I promise it isn’t the end of the world that I don’t like you back.”

“He was so annoying anyways.” Chaeyoung scoffed. “Always correcting my grammar because he was insecure over his own lack of sports abilities.”

Tzuyu blinked, trying to figure out the correlation.

“He relied on being smarter than everyone to make him feel good about himself because he got his ass kicked every time we played soccer.” Dahyun explained to her. “One time he accidentally knocked me over trying to get the ball, and Chaeyoung punched him in the face.”

“He made you cry.” Chaeyoung shrugged. “So what if he was a year older than me? No one gets away with hurting my best friend like that.”

“My hero.” Dahyun flicked some chocolate icing teasingly at Chaeyoung. “Mrs Jeon was right about one thing. With girls like you around me why would I ever settle for boys like him?”

Tzuyu got that strange feeling again, like she was missing something big. But she’d already been overthinking too much today, so she just snagged a piece of cake from Dahyun’s plate and popped it into her mouth with a cheeky wink.

When they finished their food and got back into the car, all three girls spent the next leg of the journey blissfully knocked out in a food coma.

* * *

**Present**

The smell of it was what hit her first. Freshly baked bread, warm coffee, scented icing on various cakes. This café always smelt like coming home, or at least that’s what Chaeyoung used to say.

Dahyun held her hand tightly as they entered, tired out from driving all morning. The café had changed wallpapers since the last time they were here, plain white now a vibrant yellow. Other than that, everything looked and smelled the same.

Just one major difference, but only the two of them realised it.

Make that three. Mrs Jeon noticed them approaching the counter, and that familiar warm smile appeared. Even Dahyun, tired as she was, couldn’t help smiling back. It was just the effect the kind store owner always had on them.

“Well, well, well, look who the cat dragged in.” Mrs Jeon shook her head. “And here I thought you had grown too old for trips to Ganghwado. What brings you back? And where’s the third little scamp?”

Dahyun’s grin froze on her face. Tzuyu clenched her arm tightly, refusing to answer.

“Just-” Dahyun coughed at how shrill her voice was. “Just taking a trip down memory lane. Chaeyoung… she’s not coming.”

“Ah I see.” Mrs Jeon sighed, but then her sadness cleared with an ease Tzuyu envied. “Will I see her next year perhaps?”

“I don’t…” Dahyun swallowed. “I don’t think she’s coming back again.”

Tzuyu gripped her arm tighter, trying to shy away from the sympathetic look the baker gave her.

“It’s alright honey.” Mrs Jeon’s comforting smile had the exact opposite effect. “High school sweethearts can be tough to get over, but I’m glad it didn’t stop you two from coming back on your own terms.”

Tzuyu couldn’t respond to that. Couldn’t even look at the kind old woman. Dahyun’s grin was an uncomfortable grimace at this point, but she nodded back at Mrs Jeon when Tzuyu still didn’t say anything.

They got their drinks and their food, Dahyun ordering for Tzuyu while Tzuyu kept her gaze firmly fixed away from the counter. It didn’t matter what Dahyun got her, Tzuyu trusted her friend to know what she liked. She didn’t have the capacity to be fussy over baked goods anymore.

“You know it’s funny.” Mrs Jeon handed Dahyun their drinks, still with that sympathetic smile that made Tzuyu want to disappear. “When you were just kids, me and the boys here, we would have bet good money that you and her would have ended up together. Then you bring this one along and three years later they’re in love. Who would have seen it coming, huh?”

Dahyun’s hands were shaking as she took a hold of the tray, but somehow, she managed to hum back in vague acknowledgment.

“And now here you two are together.” Every word made Tzuyu grow tenser and tenser. “Life sure does work in mysterious ways, doesn’t it?”

“Mhm.” Dahyun did her best to steer them away from the counter, but the old woman still wasn’t finished.

“I know it might not feel this way…” she reached out to put her hand on Tzuyu’s. “But you’re better off letting her go. Appreciate what you have now, and leave exes in the past where they deserve to be.”

Dahyun’s smile was stretched painfully thin but she still wasn’t correcting any of this woman’s assumptions, and Tzuyu couldn’t stand it anymore.

“She’s dead.” Tzuyu pulled her hand back. “Chaeyoung is dead. That’s why she’s not with us.”

She turned around and tugged Dahyun away, unwilling to watch the woman’s face fall, unwilling to hear her apologies and sympathies. She dragged Dahyun out of the café as fast as she could, their drinks sloshing on the tray as she finally settled on a table outside, far away from the entrance.

“I should go back and explain.” Dahyun looked guilty, and Tzuyu couldn’t find it in her to care.

“Go for it.”

Dahyun hesitated, glancing once at the café doors.

She sat down, and took her coffee.

They ate in silence for a minute, Tzuyu nibbling away at the banana cream pie Dahyun had gotten her while the older girl gulped down her coffee, recharging after the long drive.

“It’s good.” Dahyun broke the silence.

“Yeah.” Tzuyu agreed. “I love the banana pies here.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

Silence. Tzuyu wondered if she should tell Dahyun to just go back inside and apologise. She clearly felt bad about Tzuyu’s rudeness, and Tzuyu herself definitely wasn’t going to apologise.

But then again, maybe Dahyun’s stormy expression was about a lot more than just one mishap with a kind old lady.

Tzuyu could see the exact second Dahyun’s composure wavered, but she was helpless to do anything except watch as her best friend cracked, lips trembling and tears streaking down her face. Tzuyu reached across to take her hand, holding it gently as Dahyun sobbed silently.

“M’sorry.” Dahyun mumbled. “Didn’t mean to ruin-”

“It’s fine.”

Dahyun put her face down on the table, her silent sobs turning into tearful hiccups. Tzuyu continued to hold her hand, her free arm absently stirring the pie on her plate. She’d given up long ago wondering if she should be crying too at moments like this, wondering if there was something wrong with her for not breaking down alongside her friend. Grief works differently for everyone. That’s what the professionals say, and who was Tzuyu to argue with them?

Dahyun finally stopped crying after a few minutes, pushing herself back up and wiping her tears. Her coffee was almost cold, and Tzuyu wanted to offer to get her a fresh one but that would mean going back inside and facing Mrs Jeon.

“Well.” Dahyun sniffled, giving Tzuyu a watery laugh. “This is going about as well as I expected.”

Tzuyu smiled back, and slid the last of her banana pie across the table.


	3. The Luge

**7 years ago**

“I still can’t believe you told Mrs Jeon about Jinho!” Dahyun laughed, two fresh streaks of pink in her hair. “I would have _died _if you told her about trying to set me up with his friend.”

In the backseat, Chaeyoung shrugged. Her dark hair was unchanged from a year ago, but she was sporting a set of choppy bangs that were carefully messed up in order to give a dishevelled look. It was fashion, she’d explained to Tzuyu, who had merely nodded and gone back to helping Dahyun bleach her hair.

“It’s not like she’s ever going to meet him, she just loves being in on the gossip.” Chaeyoung smirked. “I mean what else is there to live for in a quiet little place like this? Hearing that I’ve got a boyfriend is probably the highlight of her week.”

“I didn’t realise you two were official.” Tzuyu spoke for the first time since they left the café.

Last time she came the café had filled her with joy and excitement, a delicious start to a fun week. But for some reason the food hadn’t tasted as nice this year, or maybe she’d been too distracted by Chaeyoung’s news to appreciate it properly. She didn’t know why she was so blindsided by it, Chaeyoung had become friends with this boy months ago, and it had been clear from the get go that he wanted to date her. Obviously, they weren’t all going to stay single forever, and it was no surprise that Chaeyoung was the first to get a boyfriend. Tzuyu was just surprised that Chaeyoung didn’t tell them until now, mentioning it casually when Mrs Jeon joked about bringing boys up next year.

“We’re not official.” Chaeyoung snorted. “We’ve just kissed a few times. He’s so annoying and needy, I don’t want to date someone like that.”

“Oh.” It felt like a balloon filled with stress had just popped in Tzuyu’s chest, and now she was floating with relief. “Yeah I get what you mean. He already acts jealous when you hang out with other guy friends, as a boyfriend he’d be too possessive.”

“Exactly.” Chaeyoung nodded. “He’s alright to look at I guess, but I’m glad it’s just the three of us on this holiday.”

“Yeah.” Tzuyu settled back against the seat, suddenly feeling a lot happier. “Me too.”

Her eyes met Dahyun, who was staring at her with a knowing grin. Tzuyu flushed red and turned to look out the window. She knew it was childish of her to be so possessive of her friends, no better than Jinho really, but she selfishly didn’t want them to add anyone else into their inner circle. Three was just fine with her.

At least Chaeyoung hadn’t picked up on her insecurities. For a free spirit like Chaeng, being unnecessarily tied down to anyone; boyfriends, friends, even family, was something she couldn’t stand. If she knew Tzuyu secretly felt just as clingy as the guy she’d been mocking, how would she…

No. Chaeyoung would never make fun of Tzuyu like that. She didn’t know why she was so sure about that but she was. For whatever reason, Tzuyu was different from Jinho.

The car pulled slowly to a stop, and just like that the atmosphere shifted. Earbuds were pulled out, seatbelts were unlocked and a lethargy from a post coffee and cake brunch seemed to wear off instantly as Dahyun and Chaeyoung pushed open the car doors.

“I call blue room!”

“I call the master bedroom! Just kidding mom, but dibs on the pink room!”

While the other two raced into the holiday home, Tzuyu got out of the car much slower, helping Dahyun’s mom lift the bags out of the trunk. Mrs Kim shot her a grateful smile, then sighed when she heard a crash from the house.

“Chaeyoung slipped on the stairs again it seems.”

“I thought you were joking last year about it being a tradition.” Tzuyu laughed.

“I wish I was.” Mrs Kim sighed. “Let me go get the first aid kit, you take your bags up to the green room.”

The green room, situated upstairs next to the blue room, was a cozy little bedroom with green wallpaper, green pillows, and green blankets. It was the dimmest of the bedrooms, with only a small window facing out to the sea to let the light in, which was why the other rooms were preferred by Dahyun and Chaeyoung. But Tzuyu had stayed here last year too, and setting the bags down and flopping onto familiar sheets felt like coming home.

“Tzuyu come on!” Chaeyoung bounced onto the bed, disturbing Tzuyu’s moment of peace.

Not that she minded in the slightest, not when Chaeyoung’s eyes were shining, amber and honey as the small amount of light from the window hit her face at just the right angle. Her friend was so beautiful, Tzuyu thought, way out of boys like Jinho’s league.

Chaeyoung yanked her up and back out of the room, socked feet skidding on the stairs again on her way down. Tzuyu caught her this time before she could fall on her ass, and when Chaeyoung laughed giddily Tzuyu felt every breath, the movements of Chaeyoung’s ribcage against Tzuyu’s own body making her laugh too.

They put their shoes back on and went outside to help with the remaining bags. Once the car was emptied, Chaeyoung grabbed both Tzuyu and Dahyun’s hand and led them into the back garden.

Situated near a small cliff, without any adjacent holiday homes to get in the way, the views from the house were breath-taking. A secure chain link fence warned them from getting too close to the edge while thankfully not obstructing the view. It was only as high as Tzuyu’s waist, but it did its job of marking the garden from the rest of the cliffside. Chaeyoung, ever the daredevil, chose to hop over the fence and head towards the top of the cliff. Tzuyu hesitated, not wanting to leave Dahyun behind, but Dahyun merely sighed and took a firm hold of Tzuyu’s hand before marching after their best friend.

The closer they drew to the cliff edge the tighter Dahyun’s grip on Tzuyu became, but Tzuyu couldn’t be bothered worrying about the lack of circulation in her arm. Not when Chaeyoung was standing in front of her, arms spread wide and head tilted up towards the sun. She looked ready to fly off the cliff, as if a strong gust of wind would just pick her up and spirit her away.

Tzuyu felt that tension in her stomach again, like when Chaeyoung had been talking about Jinho. It was probably because Chaeyoung was standing to close to the edge of the cliff. It was dangerous, and if Dahyun’s mom saw them they’d all be in trouble.

“Chaeyoung, let’s go back.”

Chaeyoung pouted, but turned and walked back to them. Dahyun tackled her as soon as she got close enough, yelling about taking too many risks and having to phone her parents if she fell off the edge, but Tzuyu barely heard her. Her mind was stuck on the image of Chaeyoung with her arms spread out and hair flowing in the wind.

What was this admiration she felt? It wasn’t like Chaeyoung had been doing anything extraordinary, just standing there, and yet she’d left Tzuyu awestruck. Maybe it was normal, to feel that way when you had friends as pretty as Chaeyoung. But then again Dahyun was also so beautiful, and Tzuyu didn’t feel the same warm tightness in her chest when she saw her.

Or did she? That time when Dahyun shared a stick of pepero with her and they’d ended up touching lips, her heart had felt strange then too. She’d chalked it up to embarrassment, but that definitely wasn’t what she felt when looking at Chaeyoung.

Mrs Kim stuck her head out the door and yelled that they’d be leaving in ten minutes. The three of them quickly scrambled back over the fence, running inside to freshen up before part two of their journey began. Tzuyu brushed her hair and got a fresh t-shirt out of her suitcase, laughing when she stepped out of her room and saw that Chaeyoung had done the exact same thing.

Ten minutes after Mrs Kim’s warning all three girls were back in the car, matching excited grins on their faces as they drove off to the Mega Luge. No one was sleepy this time despite the drive, the banter switching every minute from Dahyun’s fear of heights to Chaeyoung being small enough for the kiddie helmets to Tzuyu’s first time on the Luge last year, where she’d paused mid race to adjust her camera.

The ride up in the cable car was as pleasant as last year. Dahyun sat in the middle with her eyes closed, whining every time Chaeyoung deliberately rocked the car to mess with her. Tzuyu ignored them for the most part, staring out the window at the people zipping by below them. The world was so nice and calm from up here, present company not included.

“I’m really scared.” Something about the way Dahyun said that drew Tzuyu’s attention back into the car.

“Are you? We hadn’t noticed.” Chaeyoung snorted.

“Not about the cable car, you asshole.” Dahyun whacked Chaeyoung’s shoulder. “About starting high school.”

The mood got a little more serious after that, all three girls sobering up at the mention of the year ahead of them. For Chaeyoung and Tzuyu, it would be their last year of middle school, and their first year without Dahyun. For Dahyun, it would be her first year alone since the three of them became best friends.

“You’ll be fine.” Chaeyoung said, only half convincingly. “You started middle school a year ahead of me and that wasn’t a problem. You’re Kim Dahyun, you’ll make friends in no time.”

“You made friends with me.” Tzuyu pointed out softly.

“Yeah.” Dahyun smiled, and Tzuyu couldn’t tell if it seemed shaky because of the rocking of the cable car or Dahyun’s own nerves. “Just don’t forget about me, will you? We have to keep hanging out after school every day.”

“Well duh.” Chaeyoung smirked. “You’re still the only one who’s house has a piano. How do you expect me to practice for my inevitable career as an idol if you’re not there to provide musical accompaniment?”

“Please, if anyone’s going to become an idol it’s Tzuyu.”

Chaeyoung glanced over at Tzuyu, and for some reason her assessing gaze made a blush start creeping up Tzuyu’s face. She tried to maintain a stoic expression, right up until Chaeyoung looked back at Dahyun and shrugged.

“Yeah, I see what you mean.”

“I’m not going to become an idol.” Tzuyu felt the strong need to clarify that. “I just want to stay in school, being friends with you guys.”

Her blunt declaration made Dahyun coo, while Chaeyoung dramatically clutched her heart.

“You’ve won me over.” she announced. “I’ll put my idol career on hold for now and focus on my studies so we can graduate together.”

“Sacrificing your non-existent idol career for friendship? How touching.” Dahyun drawled.

They were all just joking around of course, but there was an undercurrent of sincerity to every sarcastic remark. They’d be ok, even with Dahyun at a different school in two months’ time. They’d find a way to stay together, that much Tzuyu knew for sure. The one-year age difference hadn’t stopped Dahyun and Chaeyoung from being each other’s best friend for their entire lives so far. This minor separation wouldn’t change anything.

“Oh thank god.” Dahyun sighed like she’d just gotten off a rollercoaster when the cable car drew to a halt. “We’re finally here.”

* * *

**Present**

Tzuyu stepped off the cable car, and after the quiet ride up the noise hit her stronger than the wave of heat. A gaggle of kids from some summer camp were ahead of them, chattering excitedly as they got their helmets on.

She felt Dahyun come up behind her, one hand pressed reassuringly against Tzuyu’s back. Tzuyu took a deep breath, then went to stand in line behind the kids. Both she and Dahyun were careful to avoid the pink kiddie helmets that Chaeyoung had somehow never outgrown.

_This was a mistake._ The voice in Tzuyu’s head whispered, and she couldn’t help but agreeing with it. Everything was just too raw, coming to a place like the Luge, filled with happy memories now so bittersweet… She should have told Dahyun no, should have waited longer than two measly years before coming back.

Her left hand reached for her right ring finger, brushing the gold band in an attempt to focus her mind. She couldn’t break down here, not with all those happy children right in front of her. They didn’t deserve to experience that on what should be a fun adventurous ride.

“Fuck.” Dahyun laughed softly next to her. “No one’s beaten her record yet.”

Tzuyu turned to look at the wall behind them, already dreading what she would see. Proudly tacked on a wooden board was a sign proclaiming the current course champion, who’d completed the luge in the shortest time. Three photos hung on the wall, one of Chaeyoung laughing with her trophy, one of her smiling while Dahyun and Tzuyu kissed her cheeks, and one of the three of them posing, Dahyun holding the trophy while Chaeyoung tried to kiss her, arms wrapped around both Dahyun and Tzuyu.

She was well familiar with the almost hypnotising effect every photo of Chaeyoung had on her. There were plenty back home that she could spend hours looking at, trying to remember exactly what had triggered the expressions Chaeyoung wore. Trying to remembering the sounds and the moments from every individual photo she had, and speculating about the ones that were before her time.

But today she found herself just as drawn towards her own younger self. The girl in those photos was so happy, eyes shut and a smile clearly visible even as she kissed Chaeyoung’s cheek. Looking at the third photo, Tzuyu could barely remember how it felt, to smile at the camera like that while Dahyun and Chaeyoung goofed around next to her.

It felt like a lifetime ago, or maybe someone else’s life entirely. It was as if Tzuyu had died that day along with Chaeyoung, and the woman she was now was merely a reincarnation, born into a much bleaker world.

“We’re up.” Dahyun handed her a helmet, pulling Tzuyu’s eyes away from the photos. “Let’s see if we can beat that old record this time.”

Dahyun sounded genuinely excited at the prospect, but Tzuyu knew her too well. Dahyun was good at blurring the lines between faking it and making it, to the point where she almost convinced herself she was feeling fine. The wave of grief would probably hit her later like it did at the coffee shop, but for now she was smiling and Tzuyu didn’t begrudge her that.

She forced herself to smile back, although it was more of a grimace. They put their helmets on and walked out to the top of the platform. Right before the area where you got your ride was a small platform with two stationary carts, perfect for taking photos. Every time they came here Dahyun would insist the three of them pause and take turns sitting in the carts. Chaeyoung always joked that she snapped at least a thousand pictures of them every year.

Dahyun didn’t even look at the carts today. She just went straight down to the safety training area, linking arms with Tzuyu the entire time. They nodded along as the instructor explained how to steer and brake, well familiar with the spiel given to everyone going on the ride.

Soon they were racing off down the slope, Dahyun cheering, Tzuyu focused on steering. She quickly passed by the older girl, who just laughed at the familiarity of it all.

Tzuyu wanted to laugh, but unlike Dahyun she didn’t find the familiarity a pleasant thing. It always used to be her and Chaeyoung racing to the finish line, while Dahyun hung behind turning the corners at a much slower and safer pace. Now, racing alone, neither the beautiful views or the adrenaline coursing through her as she picked up speed could fully counteract how lonely she felt.

She tried to remember having fun with Chaeyoung here, but all she could think about was Chaeyoung on that cliff, eyes closed, embracing the sky. That feeling of pure freedom was one Tzuyu never fully attained, only came close to it sometimes when Chaeyoung kissed her, or when the three of them would stay up all night, talking about nothing and everything.

She leaned back and turned a corner sharply, savouring the jolt of nerves as her cart almost skidded. The more speed she gained the less her memories clouded her mind. Had the course always been this fast? Or maybe Tzuyu was just less scared of crashing. It was easier to take risks when it felt like you had nothing to lose.

Maybe she would never really understand how Chaeyoung felt that day, but with the adrenaline starting to drown out the sorrow, Tzuyu felt closer to her than she had in a while. It was as if Chaeyoung’s ghost was clinging on behind her, laughing as they sped down the course.

_Faster, faster._

She turned another curve, relishing the fear she felt as the cart wobbled. The bigger the threat grew that she would get knocked on her side, the more she felt Chaeyoung’s presence. She breezed by the children from earlier, grinning at the surprise on their faces. Tzuyu felt like she was flying, zero hesitation every time she turned the cart without slowing.

The track was starting to grow less steep, and disappointment hit her as she felt herself slowing down. She wasn’t ready for it to end, not when she could still feel Chaeyoung’s spirit urging her on.

_Faster, faster!_

Tzuyu steered the cart into as steep and straight a line as possible, cutting sharply around edges and corners to try and maximise any remaining speed she could get. The rush in her veins was addictive, like she was finally alive again. When was the last time she’d done something like this? Back before everything changed, most likely.

She turned onto the end of the slope, the wind whipping by her, carrying her laughter away. One more curve left to go, and Tzuyu waited until the last possible second to jerk her cart to the left. It skidded, hit the edge of the track, and everything went wrong.

She felt herself get thrown into the air as the cart flipped over, landing painfully on the tar road. Her hands and knees burnt, the skin scraped and raw, but it was the ache in her bones from how she hit the ground that really got to her.

How foolish of her to try and escape reality.

She picked herself up before the children who slowed down actually got off their carts to help her. Her legs felt stiff as she limped over to the grass where the cart lay on its side. No one tried to talk to her thankfully, they just shot her concerned looks as they slowly passed by her.

“Tzuyu! Tzuyu what the hell happened?”

Dahyun came down the track at a steady pace, braking in front of Tzuyu and hopping out of her cart. She ran over and put her arms under the damaged cart, helping Tzuyu push it back onto the track.

“I saw you zooming by everyone from up there.” Dahyun nodded back up the hill. “Why were you going so fast? Why didn’t you turn in time?”

“I was just trying to get it over with in the fastest time I could.” A lie, but there was no way Tzuyu was telling the truth to anyone.

Unfortunately, Dahyun knew her too well to buy that excuse. Tzuyu had never driven so recklessly before, not even that time Chaeyoung promised to take her on a boat trip date if she won.

(She lost, but they’d gone on that cruise anyway. Tzuyu had just paid for the food instead.)

“Are you ok?” There was too much concern in Dahyun’s eyes and Tzuyu couldn’t deal with it right now, not when she was still recovering from such a good high and an abrupt crash.

“I’m fine.” She scraped the dirt off her ripped jeans and adjusted her helmet. “Lets just finish the course.”

She avoided Dahyun’s eyes, aware by doing so she was waving a big red flag that she wasn’t fine at all. It didn’t matter, Dahyun wouldn’t press.

“Well I guess I’m scratching cliff diving off the to do list.” Dahyun let out a humourless laugh.

That stung a little, although Tzuyu couldn’t say it wasn’t deserved. It’s not like she was actually suicidal or anything, but she could see why her recklessness would make Dahyun wary.

“Do whatever you want.” Tzuyu shrugged. “This is your stupid road trip anyway.”

“If you’re not having fun you can go home at any time.” There was an edge of warning to Dahyun’s voice, one Tzuyu hadn’t heard in years, not since high school when she and Chaeyoung teased Dahyun for her crush on Jeongyeon.

“I’m fine.” Tzuyu repeated, sitting down in her cart. “Thanks for the help.”

She didn’t wait for Dahyun to reply, pushing forward until she was rolling down the last few hundred meters of the track. She was far more careful this time, not eager to repeat the painful tumble.

Dahyun finished the course twenty seconds after Tzuyu. Tzuyu didn’t brag about the win, and Dahyun didn’t whine about losing. She did talk to the staff though, cheerfully telling them about their previous times on the Luge while Tzuyu headed straight for the car.

She was in the middle of cleaning the cuts on her knees when Dahyun opened the door. She didn’t mention the tense exchange they’d had, just reached over and handed Tzuyu a photograph.

“I told the staff about Chaeyoung and they let me look through their archives. There wasn’t much, but I did find this.”

Tzuyu stared down at the picture. It was definitely taken during their first year at the Luge. Her hair was shorter, and none of them had any highlights or bangs. But still…

“I don’t remember this.” Tzuyu frowned, tracing over the part of the photo where her hand held Chaeyoung’s. “When did we take this?”

“Mom took it once we finished the race. It was the only pretty photo she got, because you and I kept making ugly faces in all the others.”

Tzuyu remembered the race. She remembered that whole day, her first time being there. But she couldn’t remember taking this photograph.

“Why can’t I remember?” She didn’t mean for her voice to sound so broken. “I can’t remember it Dahyun.”

“That’s perfectly normal.” Dahyun said, reaching out to pat Tzuyu’s arm. “We forget stuff all the time, and this is from eight years ago. It’s ok-”

“It’s not ok!” Tzuyu clenched her fist, the ring digging into her skin. “I can’t forget. Not her.”

“It’s just one memory Tzuyu.” Dahyun sounded worried again, her words careful like they’d been on the track. “As much as you want to, you can’t expect to remember every single moment. It doesn’t mean you’re disrespecting her, just that life keeps moving on.”

“I don’t want to move on.”

“Me neither.” Dahyun gave a bitter sigh. “But it’s not like I can ask my brain to dredge up every single memory I have of Chaeyoung and play it on a constant loop in order for me to never forget. We have to move on, that’s just how it works.”

“No.” Tzuyu shook her head. “I wear this ring every single day so I won’t forget. Even if my brain tries to erase everything, I won’t let it take her.”

Dahyun shot her a look, but didn’t say anything further. She started the car up and drove away from the Luge. Tzuyu stared out the window, watching as the park grew more and more distant.

“We’re going to have to find a way to make peace with this you know.” Dahyun spoke at last. “That’s what I’m trying to do with this stupid road trip. Figure out how to let her go.”

_Good luck with that. _Was Tzuyu’s first thought, but that was nasty and uncalled for so she didn’t say it. She was fairly convinced that she’d never make peace with the cruelty of Chaeyoung’s death, but if Dahyun wanted to try she wasn’t going to stop her. No point spreading the bitterness and hopelessness any further than its toxic root.

“I’m hungry.” she said instead. “Think we can find somewhere to buy snacks that’s not filled with a million poignant memories?”

Dahyun smiled, unfazed by the abrupt subject change.

“I’ll do my best to find one.” she said.

Tzuyu took her phone out, with the intention of searching up nearby shops. Instead, a post on Instagram caught her eyes. Two girls posing together in a familiar restaurant, looking nauseatingly sweet as they pretended to feed each other.

“Did you know Jeongeyon and Sana are on the island too?”

Judging by Dahyun’s surprised face, this was news to her as well.

“Should we go catch up with them?”

“Why not?” Tzuyu smirked. “They might actually have a hotel booked, instead of planning to sleep in the back of a car for a week and expecting not to smell like grime.”

“What part of ‘road trip’ did you not understand?”

Smiling at Dahyun’s mock offense, Tzuyu fired off a quick text to Jeongyeon. This was a pleasant surprise, but most definitely a welcome one.

The more friends surrounding them, the less glaringly painful her absence would be.

**Author's Note:**

> @ChunghaTwice on twitter if you want to cry about Chaeyu with me


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